Thursday, September 27, 2007

and by the way, about religious leaders

It occurred to me today for about the 10th time that I don't trust a spiritual leader who hasn't gotten their hands dirty. I don't really trust a spiritual leader who doesn't cuss sometimes. I don't trust a spiritual leader who isn't honest about stupid mistakes. I almost don't trust a spiritual leader who isn't a recovering alcoholic, for that point.
This is after my brief conversation with a chaplain who was openly cranky the last two times I tried to meet with him, who is at once gruff with staff and tender with patients, and who cussed in that gentle, conversational kind of way. And my supervisor who openly talks about her anger at God, her difficulty with grief, and her anxiety about meeting with patients. And how she went to see the Dalai Lama -- and the first time she saw him he was scolding the monks for sitting out of order, then who turned to the audience and said "I still have a long way to Enlightenment. I still can't stop swatting mosquitos."
And then there are friends who have struggled with death, disorders, abuse, and addictions...
I don't trust a religious leader who doesn't have zits and scars.

spiritual violence / spiritual integrity

Today in CPE we had a fascinating conversation about spiritual integrity. One student brought up their objection to praying in a non-Christian tradition. They said that it would feel like a [sinful] betrayal of their faith to pray to a God that is not their own. Their theology does not see [the "one, Christian, Father/Son/Holy Spirit] God in the gods of other traditions, except for the big three monotheistic religions...and even then this student could not call that God any name other than God. Our supervisor pointed out that we are interfaith chaplains, and that it is one thing to have this perspective in the abstract, but what does a person do when someone is dying in your arms, begging you to pray them through death in their tradition's language? Another student pulled out a book of prayers from other traditions, from Christian to Islam to Wiccan prayers and Buddhist chants. This person had used them before and come under fire from their own tradition's leaders and had nothing to say. I argued that this is not an adequate solution because the integrity of the prayer depends on meaning and not just going through the words. If I were dying, I would not find comfort in the words alone but in the intention and feeling of the words. So unless a person has room in their theology for other Gods, and defends it even to their own tradition's leaders, then the integrity of the prayer is broken. To say those prayers without an intent to pray would be to violate the patient's spirituality as well as the chaplain's spirituality. I don't know what the solution is exactly. I tend to be in the trend of seeing God [seeking God] in everything, from the highest Mass to the empty plastic water bottle on the table. Metaphors and movements of God are literally everywhere to me. But then from my angle, can I pray to "the Lord Jesus Christ my Savior"? Yes, but I'm not sure I could with integrity at this point. Since I don't see the figure of Jesus as singularly divine, as an intercessor [frankly, I don't see God as one who intercedes or who can be interceded to], and thus I don't see Jesus as a Lord & Savior but rather as an example, an enlightened one, a marker of the wholeness of body and spirit. I see Jesus as a mythological figure and not as a personal friend. So I don't know. If the first student prayed for me in my dying moments, appealing to the Blood of Christ, I wouldn't head out on the happiest of notes. At the same time, if that student prayed for me in my language but I knew that student didn't believe it (or worse, felt that it was sinful), I also wouldn't head out on the happiest of notes. At the end of the conversation, our supervisor pointed out that there are no answers.
That's my kinda religion.

Monday, September 24, 2007

authority

Today I had a fine day. I talked with some people in the nursing home, and we had some okay conversations. I felt like I didn't really get deep, and the most benefit anyone really felt was probably just having a pleasant social interaction. One of the people did talk about some trauma, but she minimized it, and she didn't pick up on any of my follow-up questions. At the end of the day, I felt a little irrelevant. I guess one of the big challenges for me will be finding my own authority. I'm used to having tasks of some sort: clean the floor, cook the food, paint the doorways, hold the workshop, plan the event, etc. I think the challenge for me right now is to believe that I have something to offer. I have something to offer someone that is worth interrupting the TV or the dozing or the staring-off-into-space. Or at least that's the idea. We'll see.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

out

A few patients have asked me if I'm married. It makes me wonder how to answer truthfully without refocusing the conversation on me. How do I be true to my relationship and my feelings about him without turning it into a conversation about homosexuality and religion? I don't think the patients ask because they want to know; they ask because they are making some point about marriage or family or relationships. Unless it's relevant, I don't need to talk about my personal life and experiences because the conversation is not about me. If the patient asked more probing questions about my marriage, I would redirect: what are you trying to say? what is the point you are making? If they want to know details about my life, I think this reveals something about their own motivations, struggles, and opinions. My partner pointed out that in saying "no" to that question, I am still giving information. Next time, I'll try something else, like "why do you ask?"
I had a conversation with one of my CPE peers about my transformation from having anti-gay opinions into being gay. This person used the words "and now choose this lifestyle." I noted this, but I didn't address it. I felt good about the way I demonstrated my understanding of scriptures, God, and sexuality. I am not interested in changing minds as much as I am in showing that there are other perspectives. My perspective comes from my experience. I cannot follow a God who condemns a relationship that promotes love and beauty and peace and justice in the world. I cannot follow a God who condemns a relationship that is so good in my and my partner's lives. And I feel no condemnation from God or the universe for my relationship.
At the same time, I have been impacted by social attitudes, and I am trying to figure out how my reactions to this question might hide pockets of shame or fear or belittling that are still within me. Sometimes I assume the person will be hostile, instead of expecting them to hear me and respect my experience. It's something I work on quite a bit.
I also think about the "lifestyle" terminology. I am adamant in claiming the "choice" language. While I don't choose my attractions and desire, I do choose to act on them--in the same way that everyone chooses to act on their desires. We constantly choose our sexuality, no matter what its orientation. We choose when and how and if we act on our sexual attractions and urges. Lifestyle, on the other hand, is about how I live my life--probably not that different from my peer who asked the question. I bike, I shop for groceries, I go to bed at a decent hour, I read books. I don't go out drinking or clubbing or live in a motor home or shop at designer stores or live off the grid.
I know I'm not a one-man Alliance Against Defamation. I can't address every slight, every discrimination, every moment of exclusion. I only hope to represent other viewpoints. And I hope to engage people (married, heterosexual people) to think about the choices we all make, in order to bring more mindfulness. I suspect most married heterosexual people don't hesitate in answering the question "are you married?" I wish I didn't have to.
Anyway, that's my point. Thanks to my partner for helping me talk through my questions and thoughts.

Friday, September 14, 2007

made it / assignments

So I made it through my week of CPE orientation. it went pretty well, actually. I like the group of students I'm with -- I think we'll learn a lot from each other.

I'll probably write more later. (already i've started saying that!)


But I wanted to post my assignments for the unit (for the next 10 weeks). I've been assigned to the Spinal Cord Injury Unit, as well as the Nursing Home, which includes Gerontology and Geriatric Psychiatry. I asked to work with Alzheimers and dementia at some point during the program. Having worked at a nursing home, I feel a little more comfortable with the geriatric stuff, and I've enjoyed the work I've done with elderly people. The Spinal Injury unit is a bit more frightening because of the implications for paralysis, but I think it will be a good place for me to start.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

what is CPE anyway? a late introduction

i'm sending out an email soon, letting people know about where i'm at now, what i'm doing, and all that. i'm hoping to keep this blog going as a way to help me keep track of the questions that come up for me and also to get advice from anyone who's kind enough to read what i've written. i'll keep it pretty general, honoring the strict confidentiality of the group and of the Veterans' Health Administration.

so for people who don't know what CPE is, here's a general overview:
Clinical Pastoral Education is a chaplain's training program, comparable to the physician residency, or other professional internship training programs. It is a curriculum based in theoretical models of action and reflection. It includes clinical work (visiting patients, helping to conduct groups and services, etc), individual supervision time (structured mentoring with a trained supervisor), didactics (classes conducted by professionals who specialize in areas relevant to the training program), group supervision (case studies and verbatim interactions presented to the group for evaluation and feedback), and other things. The point is to bring up our emotional baggage and instinctive responses in order to help us prepare to deal with it honestly so it doesn't surprise us in patient interactions. It's a theoretical model that I'm definitely into, though I expect it to be difficult.

The VA was my top choice for CPE because of the issues presented there. I will be able to deal with aging, Alzheimers, and dementia, as well as terminal illnesses, homelessness, dual diagnosis (addictions and mental illnesses), and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I admit I was motivated in part by patriotism, after seeing films like The War Tapes and Ground Truth, and reading books like The Things They Carried. I was struck by how much these soldiers voiced the pain of dealing with ethically and morally difficult issues under life-threatening conditions and in the context of a military system and culture. It seemed they were given little chance to voice or explore the spiritual implications, needs, and perspectives that arise from those experiences. I am struck by interviews and articles about veterans and the ways they carry and cope with their wartime experiences, as well as the families of these veterans, and how they cope and support (or not) the soldier's return to civilian life (at all levels of physical and mental brokenness and healing). I suspect I'm pretty naive going into this, but I want to learn how to work with veterans and their stories, questions, joys, and pains.

Okay, that's about enough for now. Feel free to ask questions.

today i laugh at myself

sometimes i forget how much i sit back in my head and make judgements of people, trying to figure out what they want, what's underlying what they're saying, what's the internal motivation.... today i was doing that in full force. i was noticing the way different people frame their experiences, and making guesses about what their needs are. there's more than a little codependence in that, though at this point, i'm not doing much to make myself into something that will fulfill someone else's needs. and there's quite a bit of my own sorry need to feel superior sometimes. but i'm in a forgiving mood, so we'll let that one just float on by.
i was thinking, along this track, about how much i mistrust helper types...myself included. i start wondering what they really want. is it the approval of others? accolades? acclaim? to feel good about themselves? to right some wrong they've committed in the past? to be accepted?
i don't know. maybe i'm projecting all of my own suspect motivations in being one of those twisted helper types. i'll have a whole year to delve into that, since CPE is all about self-examination and reflection on action/reaction.
and i'm just about all ready for that.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

first day

Monday, 10 Sep, was my first day of CPE. My clock was accidentally set an hour late, so I was a bit late to work (thankfully I only missed a little of the HR orientation). I hadn't slept well the night before because I miss my partner and it was my first night in the room I'm staying in during my internship. I was groggy and achey and sweaty. I was nervous about starting CPE. And for an introvert like me, it's draining to be in the "hi, nice to meet you. where do you come from?" mode. I didn't get to do some of my paperwork because I didn't know I needed to bring another 2 forms of ID. And when I got off the bus to ride my bike home, my bike was missing its seat, seatpost, and back wheel. And the tire pump. They let me keep my water bottle. I had to carry my bike back to the house, about a 20 minute walk. I got a few sympathetic looks for people who guessed at what happened. I felt a little hatred for Newark. Not a great start to my CPE program, but it could have been worse.

My second day went more smoothly, and I feel basically fine about the program. The staff chaplains seem great to work with, and there are many opportunities to work with different kinds of patients in areas I want experience with -- PTSD, aging, Alzheimers, polytrauma, hospice, homelessness... very difficult things to work with, and I don't think I have the capabilities to do this work. But at the same time, I have a lot of trust in the supervisors, staff chaplains, and my fellow students that we will mentor each other and work through and learn a lot. So we'll see.

this is it


I just want to introduce my partner on this blog. He is sweet and honest and caring and gentle and funny and smart and sexy and everything I could want in a partner. I had to get out of the dorms this summer, and I basically moved in with him. We got used to daily life together -- ironing in the morning, making dinner, packing lunch, getting groceries, making mix CDs...and also movies and performances and swimming, hiking, backpacking, camping, going to his triathlons... it was so nice, and now that I can't see him every day, I miss him terribly. You sensible readers will tell me that it will be (at most) a week before i can see him again. But that doesn't make me miss him less, and it doesn't make me less sad to wake up in the morning and have no one to make me smile when I'm groggy, no one to tease me when I'm sleepy, and no one to snuggle with when we hit the snooze button.

I am so happy to be with him, sharing life and commitment and love and the conflicts that sometimes come up because we decide to be with each other. If you haven't met him, I hope you can someday. We've talked a lot about our pasts and our futures, and I'm excited to introduce him to more people who are important in my life. I'm sure you will hear more about him if I can keep up this blog thing.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

poetry & commitment

Just so I have something to start with on this blog thing, I want to quote a few things from Adrienne Riche's "Poetry and Commitment," which my friend Emily (ejoyes.blogspot.com) lent me.

"If there's a line to be drawn, it's not so much between secularism and belief as between those for whom language has metaphoric density and those for whom it is merely formulaic -- to be used for repression, manipulation, empty certitudes to ensure obedience." (p.33)

"it will be hard for hands calloused on a trigger to question a daisy."
- from "Romiosini" by Yannis Ritsos, transl by Kimon Friar

"I open the refrigerator door
and see a weeping roll,
see a piece of bleeding cheese,
a radish forced to sprout
by shocks from wires
and blows from fists.
The meat on its plate
tells of placentas
cast aside by roadblocks."
- from "The Fence" by Aharon Shabtai, transl by Peter Cole