Yesterday, the 16th, we celebrated the anniversary of our first date. On 16 November 2006, we met (after I responded to his ad on Craigslist in October) at the 12th St Oakland Bart stop. I was there first, waiting for him to arrive, watching different people walk by. I saw a guy who matched his description, and I thought, "Wow! That guy's hot! I wonder if that's him? No, it can't be." But he kept walking toward me, and he introduced himself. I couldn't believe that such a handsome man would be meeting me for a date! We went to The Golden Lotus and I babbled and then felt embarrassed for babbling. He had to go to a movie about mountain biking later that evening, and I went into San Francisco to visit my friend Anna who was doing an overnight on-call at her CPE residency.
I was so excited that I had a date with such an amazing guy...and he wanted to see me again!
A year has passed, and I am still excited and happy. I have never felt so deeply connected, so much support and love, and so much attraction to another person. With my partner, I am able to be myself, to admit vulnerabilities and also improve myself and my relationship. He's the handsomest, most attractive man in the world, and I am the luckiest guy in the world to be loved and to love him. Our relationship is honest, deep, and rich with caring, support, and creativity. The more time we spend together, the more I get to know him, the more I'm excited and the more I want to spend more time being together.
As I've written before, I could talk for hours about how amazing he is, but I'll stop for now.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
save the animals
Today I read my partner this story about a whale stranded in the Amazon in Brazil:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7099625.stm
He said "Isn't it interesting that people spend all this time and money to save an animal (like the whales in the SF Bay, and the animals affected by the oil spill) and they won't save people?" It's true. How many homeless people or alcoholics or other addicts, or people with mental health problems do we walk by on the street and ignore? How many veterans and children and elderly people are sick, dying, homeless, and exposed to the environment, and we don't blink an eye.
Maybe we need to have an action where we have a front-page newspaper headline and spend a million dollars rescuing a homeless veteran with physical disabilities and mental health issues.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7099625.stm
He said "Isn't it interesting that people spend all this time and money to save an animal (like the whales in the SF Bay, and the animals affected by the oil spill) and they won't save people?" It's true. How many homeless people or alcoholics or other addicts, or people with mental health problems do we walk by on the street and ignore? How many veterans and children and elderly people are sick, dying, homeless, and exposed to the environment, and we don't blink an eye.
Maybe we need to have an action where we have a front-page newspaper headline and spend a million dollars rescuing a homeless veteran with physical disabilities and mental health issues.
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
not afraid of hell
Today I we talked about how our CPE group deals with conflict. Part of it is that I know we have significant theological disagreements (or at least I have disagreements with some of the others), and I wasn't sure what to do with that. I didn't particularly feel the need to express them--but I wasn't sure why.
So I went ahead and talked more about my theological differences, and it was fine.
The great thing is that I realized I'm not afraid of condemnation. I'm not afraid I'll be told I'm going to hell or that I'm demonic or whatever (I know there are people who believe that). I know I'm not, because I seek to live as true as I can to what I believe is true and good. Not saying I succeed all the time, but I try. And if I go to hell for that, the only thing to do is organize and yell about injustice.
I'm not sure what keeps me from saying my opinions or voicing my theological disagreements. I don't necessarily want to change the minds of the people in my CPE group (I don't even really want to change the minds of people who say I'm going to hell--though I do want to hold them accountable for the pain their hatred causes). I wonder if I'm afraid of my own anger. I wonder if I'm afraid in voicing my disagreements I'll come across as intolerant as the theologies that hurt me personally. We'll see how that goes.
The other thing that's funny is when I talked about how some people use theological language and concepts that are associated with theologies and religions that hurt me...my supervisor asked me for a concrete example. And I talked about my enjoyment of nature and how that wasn't considered spiritual because it wasn't connected to church. I talked about when I studied in Ghana and I had an Ifa divination and consulted with a shaman who was channeling an ancestor. When I consulted with this, the person said some things that touched me spiritually. This is considered witchcraft and demonic by the church I grew up in, but for me it was really positive.
It didn't even occur to me to talk about the most obvious example--that I'm gay. Reflecting on this later, I realized it's because I assume that it's fine. I assume that no one in the group has a problem with it. It's funny. And kinda cool.
So I went ahead and talked more about my theological differences, and it was fine.
The great thing is that I realized I'm not afraid of condemnation. I'm not afraid I'll be told I'm going to hell or that I'm demonic or whatever (I know there are people who believe that). I know I'm not, because I seek to live as true as I can to what I believe is true and good. Not saying I succeed all the time, but I try. And if I go to hell for that, the only thing to do is organize and yell about injustice.
I'm not sure what keeps me from saying my opinions or voicing my theological disagreements. I don't necessarily want to change the minds of the people in my CPE group (I don't even really want to change the minds of people who say I'm going to hell--though I do want to hold them accountable for the pain their hatred causes). I wonder if I'm afraid of my own anger. I wonder if I'm afraid in voicing my disagreements I'll come across as intolerant as the theologies that hurt me personally. We'll see how that goes.
The other thing that's funny is when I talked about how some people use theological language and concepts that are associated with theologies and religions that hurt me...my supervisor asked me for a concrete example. And I talked about my enjoyment of nature and how that wasn't considered spiritual because it wasn't connected to church. I talked about when I studied in Ghana and I had an Ifa divination and consulted with a shaman who was channeling an ancestor. When I consulted with this, the person said some things that touched me spiritually. This is considered witchcraft and demonic by the church I grew up in, but for me it was really positive.
It didn't even occur to me to talk about the most obvious example--that I'm gay. Reflecting on this later, I realized it's because I assume that it's fine. I assume that no one in the group has a problem with it. It's funny. And kinda cool.
Monday, November 12, 2007
conflict
Yesterday I was talking with my friend Otter (otterspeak.blogspot.com) about CPE.
I was comparing my experience with Otter's and with my friend Anna's. From both of them, I heard stories of fighting, yelling, crying, and major conflict. My CPE experience has been remarkably civil. Disgreements happen, but I wouldn't call them conflicts. There have been theological disgreements and challenges about approaches and attitudes, but it's all so very civil. I wonder if we're not having enough conflict. I don't notice anything big simmering under the surface. I have felt offended over theological differences, and I have objected to some of my colleagues' approaches, but this has all be dealt with, for the most part. I'm wondering if all of us are avoiding conflict, or if we're just dealing with it in a healthy way. I can't imagine we're all as healthy as all that. But at the same time, I don't think I'm avoiding conflict myself.
I don't know. Do I need to reframe my concept of conflict? Or is my CPE group just more advanced than others?
I was comparing my experience with Otter's and with my friend Anna's. From both of them, I heard stories of fighting, yelling, crying, and major conflict. My CPE experience has been remarkably civil. Disgreements happen, but I wouldn't call them conflicts. There have been theological disgreements and challenges about approaches and attitudes, but it's all so very civil. I wonder if we're not having enough conflict. I don't notice anything big simmering under the surface. I have felt offended over theological differences, and I have objected to some of my colleagues' approaches, but this has all be dealt with, for the most part. I'm wondering if all of us are avoiding conflict, or if we're just dealing with it in a healthy way. I can't imagine we're all as healthy as all that. But at the same time, I don't think I'm avoiding conflict myself.
I don't know. Do I need to reframe my concept of conflict? Or is my CPE group just more advanced than others?
art
I was driving back up to Oakland in the rain a couple days ago, thinking about art for some reason.
I was thinking about how I like to write, paint, create collages, build, and sculpt. I was thinking about a book I'm reading -- Flesh and Blood by Michael Cunningham.
There are so many books out there--so many good books--and I am such an average writer, that I have trouble imagining myself actually writing and publishing something that's worth the resources. And with art, there is such a depth of art that touches me so deeply--and so much that leaves me baffled or bored--and I am such a mediocre artist, that I can't imagine creating art that would say something that hasn't already been said more effectively by someone else. Call me a quitter or call me a slave to originality, and you'd be right. I had a friend in college who emailed me a quote from...I think it was from Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. Basically the point was that before globalization and mass media, genius was judged differently. Geniuses were mostly regional. But now, genius is judged on a global scale, and only the very top, very best are judged to be good. Now, someone who may have been a local genius is now working as a desk clerk somewhere, discouraged that his best efforts were met with indifference.
Maybe I need some reframing because I'm not a global genius. And it won't stop me from creating, especially not from writing, but I have to adjust my expectations.
So back to the driving in the rain thing. I was thinking about how much art there is in the world, how much music, images, words, and voices that have so much to tell us about the depth of the world and the complexity of existence. I was thinking about new forms of art, new forums and formats, new ways of communicating. I was thinking about the characters in "Flesh and Blood," about their inner worlds. And I'm thinking that maybe the best work of art is life itself. Ouch, that may have sounded cheesy, but hold on. Maybe the best way of communicating the depth and complexity of life is to live it with intention. Chaplain Jackson told me she believes God wants us to live disciplined lives. I say maybe not discipline, but intention. What if I develop my skills in mindfulness, awareness, and infusing my life with a sense of art, communication, and love? What if the clothes I wear, the words I use, the attention I bring, and all if it, aims to communicate my [changing, deepening] outlook on life?
Anyway, that's what I was thinking about, driving my pickup home in the rain.
For what it's worth.
I was thinking about how I like to write, paint, create collages, build, and sculpt. I was thinking about a book I'm reading -- Flesh and Blood by Michael Cunningham.
There are so many books out there--so many good books--and I am such an average writer, that I have trouble imagining myself actually writing and publishing something that's worth the resources. And with art, there is such a depth of art that touches me so deeply--and so much that leaves me baffled or bored--and I am such a mediocre artist, that I can't imagine creating art that would say something that hasn't already been said more effectively by someone else. Call me a quitter or call me a slave to originality, and you'd be right. I had a friend in college who emailed me a quote from...I think it was from Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. Basically the point was that before globalization and mass media, genius was judged differently. Geniuses were mostly regional. But now, genius is judged on a global scale, and only the very top, very best are judged to be good. Now, someone who may have been a local genius is now working as a desk clerk somewhere, discouraged that his best efforts were met with indifference.
Maybe I need some reframing because I'm not a global genius. And it won't stop me from creating, especially not from writing, but I have to adjust my expectations.
So back to the driving in the rain thing. I was thinking about how much art there is in the world, how much music, images, words, and voices that have so much to tell us about the depth of the world and the complexity of existence. I was thinking about new forms of art, new forums and formats, new ways of communicating. I was thinking about the characters in "Flesh and Blood," about their inner worlds. And I'm thinking that maybe the best work of art is life itself. Ouch, that may have sounded cheesy, but hold on. Maybe the best way of communicating the depth and complexity of life is to live it with intention. Chaplain Jackson told me she believes God wants us to live disciplined lives. I say maybe not discipline, but intention. What if I develop my skills in mindfulness, awareness, and infusing my life with a sense of art, communication, and love? What if the clothes I wear, the words I use, the attention I bring, and all if it, aims to communicate my [changing, deepening] outlook on life?
Anyway, that's what I was thinking about, driving my pickup home in the rain.
For what it's worth.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
learning
Earlier this week, I said I decided I didn't want to be a chaplain. I think it's still true, but not in the same way. I realized that it actually has a lot to do with my learning.
Sometimes I get caught up in accomplishment. Especially now, after 18 years'-worth of classes, I want to feel like I've learned something. And this week, I felt like I had so much to learn--too much to learn. I had a spotlight on the things about chaplaincy I'm not very good at, and also saw some of the great strides some of my fellow residents have made in their learning. Yes, yes, I know that I shouldn't compare myself with others, but I do. And yes, I know that I've come a long way from where I've been.
It's just that this week I felt like a pouty teenager when I see others making progress while I feel like I'm still trying to get the basics down. Actually it's the same feeling as when I was in middle school and we were putting our new dog's name on his food dish and his cage using those little letter stickers. I got so mad that I cried because my sister put her letters on in a neat, straight, professional line, and mine were all crooked by comparison. My dad told me that when I was as old as my sister, I would be able to do it better. Sure, that's true, but that doesn't help when I want to do something correctly now.
So I take back about half of my not-wanting-to-be-a-chaplain, and I'm trying to remember that I life itself is a learning process, and my spirituality right now is about uncovering new truths and facets and depths of life.
Sometimes I get caught up in accomplishment. Especially now, after 18 years'-worth of classes, I want to feel like I've learned something. And this week, I felt like I had so much to learn--too much to learn. I had a spotlight on the things about chaplaincy I'm not very good at, and also saw some of the great strides some of my fellow residents have made in their learning. Yes, yes, I know that I shouldn't compare myself with others, but I do. And yes, I know that I've come a long way from where I've been.
It's just that this week I felt like a pouty teenager when I see others making progress while I feel like I'm still trying to get the basics down. Actually it's the same feeling as when I was in middle school and we were putting our new dog's name on his food dish and his cage using those little letter stickers. I got so mad that I cried because my sister put her letters on in a neat, straight, professional line, and mine were all crooked by comparison. My dad told me that when I was as old as my sister, I would be able to do it better. Sure, that's true, but that doesn't help when I want to do something correctly now.
So I take back about half of my not-wanting-to-be-a-chaplain, and I'm trying to remember that I life itself is a learning process, and my spirituality right now is about uncovering new truths and facets and depths of life.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
wade's halloween joke
I haven't written in this blog for a while....oops.
A lot has been going on, but I haven't had a lot of time to write about it.
I'm moving away from the profession of chaplaincy as my final occupation because it just isn't feeling quite right, and at this point, I don't (or don't want to) have the capacity to hold all the suffering. You might say I need to be able to let it go faster, and I wouldn't argue. A staff chaplain told me to trust God, be open, and to let the process happen. I'll end up where I need to be.
I also recently almost got hit by a pickup truck while walking to work. It was the day after I talked with my CPE group about how difficult it is to work with spinal cord injury patients who have lost so much independence. They amaze me with their resilience, lying on their backs or fronts waiting for decubitus ulcers to heal, or for their bodies to become medically stable in order to get surgery. I was literally one step away from having my back broken by a big white pickup whose driver decided not to stop. As I jumped out of his way, his bumper or tire hit just the back part of the heel of my shoe. I was shaken.
But the REAl point of this post is to let you in on the first ever joke I made up on Halloween.
So here it is, wade's halloween joke:
A guy in a hospital gown walks into a room and sees a witch, a fairy, a hippie, and a priest. "Happy Halloween!" he says. "I see you all dressed up!" "Halloween?" says the witch. "That was last week! But welcome to the interfaith chaplains' office--how can we help you?"
I know, you're probably not falling off your chair, but cut me some slack--this is my first joke.
hope you all are having a good fall. there are a lot of red-leaf trees on the VA hospital campus.
A lot has been going on, but I haven't had a lot of time to write about it.
I'm moving away from the profession of chaplaincy as my final occupation because it just isn't feeling quite right, and at this point, I don't (or don't want to) have the capacity to hold all the suffering. You might say I need to be able to let it go faster, and I wouldn't argue. A staff chaplain told me to trust God, be open, and to let the process happen. I'll end up where I need to be.
I also recently almost got hit by a pickup truck while walking to work. It was the day after I talked with my CPE group about how difficult it is to work with spinal cord injury patients who have lost so much independence. They amaze me with their resilience, lying on their backs or fronts waiting for decubitus ulcers to heal, or for their bodies to become medically stable in order to get surgery. I was literally one step away from having my back broken by a big white pickup whose driver decided not to stop. As I jumped out of his way, his bumper or tire hit just the back part of the heel of my shoe. I was shaken.
But the REAl point of this post is to let you in on the first ever joke I made up on Halloween.
So here it is, wade's halloween joke:
A guy in a hospital gown walks into a room and sees a witch, a fairy, a hippie, and a priest. "Happy Halloween!" he says. "I see you all dressed up!" "Halloween?" says the witch. "That was last week! But welcome to the interfaith chaplains' office--how can we help you?"
I know, you're probably not falling off your chair, but cut me some slack--this is my first joke.
hope you all are having a good fall. there are a lot of red-leaf trees on the VA hospital campus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
