At the same time, it was bittersweet, because being with them reminded me of my life in NH. Not that I want to go back, but I remembered the free time I had. Sitting on the balcony of the museum, sharing lunch, I felt suddenly tired. No, that's not it - I suddenly realized how tired I was. And how normal it felt. Not long ago, when I asked a professor how he was doing, he said that after a while "busy" feels normal, and it becomes the new "fine." It's just an artificially high bar. Another colleague told me that she complained to her partner one weekend, "I don't know what's going on. I feel slow, but not tired, and I don't want to take a nap, but I don't want to move very fast." Her partner congratulated her: "This is what is commonly known as relaxing."
Oh.
When did it stop being a problem that I am always plucking things to do from the multiple tasks and deadlines hanging over my head? When did it stop being a problem that I didn't sit down when I came home unless it was to do homework? It's not that I'm complaining, but it's been an odd week of realizations. Maybe my deadline-pushing habits and get-it-all-in-at-the-last-minute flurries (and the fact that I schedule time with friends at least a few weeks in advance) are not a sign of a new laziness and flakiness on my part, but a symptom of simply having too many deadlines.
Luckily, I'm pushing up to the end of my degree program, and once I have a job (instead of classes, homework, 20-or-so hours of work-study, and a weekly volunteer gig), things will settle down. I'll again be in a position to structure my time with a little more breathing room.
It's funny what passes for normal if you just get used to it.
2 comments:
I relate to this post on so many levels Wade. Yesterday I got an email from a friend who was quite upset with me for having flaked on her (again) in light of the agreement I made to be part of a small-group at Plymouth for Lent. When I read her words I wanted to become defensive and say "but I hurt my back" ... "but my Ordination Paper is due" ... "but i'm in CPE" ... "but it was James' birthday." But you know what--NONE OF THAT MATTERS. What matters is that I agreed to do something knowing damn well I didn't have room for it and as a result I hurt someone. My inability to set limits damaged a relationship. And let me just say, for the record, this is SO not the first time this has happened in my life. Now, I could get all judgemental on myself, but when I think about it, I'm much better boundaried than most people I know (especially in the helping professions) and I'm not a flaky person. All this to say: yes there is a "scheduledness" and "constant running" that becomes normal when you live the way I live. It's unfortunate because it's not consistent with my values AT ALL. There's nothing on Earth I care about more than my relationships, especially my friendships. When my relationships are being sacrificed, I am in BIG trouble.
I am so grateful to people who call me on the carpet about this stuff because I get to see how my behavior affects other people. I do not want to be so overly scheduled that I don't have time or energy to dwell and inhabit this planet in deep and well-tended affairs of the heart. All my loved ones deserve more than that and G-d has set possibilities for me to have a life thats worth more than hussle. Ultimately I'm hurting myself too when i live like a fucking hampster. Efff that!
All this to say, yesterday I cut 2 major things out of my "projects list" and pushed back two deadlines. That's the action I took when I realized I was living out of accordance with my values. Even though I was technically "losing something" I felt instant relief for the space these put-aside things cleared in my life.
I hope you will do the same for yourself if you can Wade because you deserve it...and so do your friends who don't get to see you as often as they might like.
Blessings.
And another thing: tired is not normal. I refuse to believe that. Tired is cultural. It's a sign that some are taking on WAY too much responsibility while others take up too little. It's also what happens when "things are supposed to happen right now" becomes the modus operandi of a society (a.k.a our ways of communicating through instant messages, our way of eating instant meals, our way of extending instant "answers").
Sorry i spelled hustle wrong in the last post--but i gotta say, for some reason I like the way "hussle" looks better. Reminds me of Betrand Russell. LOL.
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