Illegal

A while back, a relative asked about my upcoming marriage, "Isn't that illegal?"

Aside from revealing some of the foundational differences between her perspective on sexuality and mine, it also made me think about the meaning of "illegal" anyway. Then last week I read an article about immigration and deportation in ColorLines magazine (http://colorlines.com/article.php?ID=618).

The introduction mentions that Obama has begun calling undocumented residents in the US as "illegal." It called up that memory again, of my "illegal" relationship.

What exactly is illegal about undocumented workers and their families in the US? It's not the work they do, that supports daily life for the rest of us. It's not their spending money to meet their needs, which supports the economy. It's not even their physical, human existence in our communities. What's illegal is their existence without the stamp of approval from the administration that acts on behalf of this country. To me, it's the same for LGBT people. It's not our participation in the daily life of this country. It's not our love for each other. What's illegal is that we exist without the stamp of approval from our fellow community members.

Yes, we should work to find ways that all people who live here can be documented - for their protection and access to the benefits of living as part of our society. But the answer is not to withhold approval. That doesn't make anyone go away. It just makes them go underground. Which, let me say, benefits those who do get the stamp of approval. My share of the benefits of living in the US get divided by fewer people because the undocumented people don't get to share them. I get to benefit from their work across the spectrum of employment - from lower prices that result from unfairly (and illegally) low wages and substandard working conditions.

In the same way, straight people (those who participate in socially acceptable relationships) get access to a wide spectrum of images and supports for their relationships, while those of us "illegals" get messages that our relationships aren't "real" or "correct," and that our struggles to experience love and relationships are inherently flawed. The result is that when we experience relationship struggles, it's because we're deviant. When hetero folks experience relationships struggles, it's because they're relationship struggles.

I'm sure there are flaws in the ways I'm comparing undocumented residents and workers in the US with undocumented relationships and sexuality. But I also think there are some important similarities that create common causes for support for each other.