To be honest, I expected mostly silence. That's part of the culture where I come from: controversial or potentially divisive issues are met first with silence (perhaps in the hope that they'll go away or resolve themselves on their own - a reaction that crosses over into physical ailments like cancer, I might add). I had hoped, against my experience growing up, that a few might, like one member of my family, say "I'm glad you're happy" or even "I'm excited to meet your partner." I didn't ask for a response, and I provided my contact information explicitly for dialogue, but not for condemnation.
I have received two responses. One clearly stated that their values do not support my marriage, and the other carefully drew. The common thread among both was a curious distancing of "the issue." Neither mentioned homosexuality, or even sexuality at all. It was like they were discussing not me, but a vague unnamed issue. They spoke of "people who make the decisions you speak of" and "the actions you describe." That was a surprise.
I'm not clear if it was politeness or evasion. Perhaps it was an attempt to frame things differently. We were not talking anymore about my relationship, but about decisions and actions that I take. It's a subtle difference, but it's at the heart of a lot of the religious back-and-forth about sexuality. It's important for opponents of gayness to frame it as a "lifestyle" or a choice. I realized that this enables condemnation of what people "choose to do," while ignoring underlying circumstances. The underlying circumstance for me is that I do not choose who I am attracted to. I adamantly emphasize that I choose to act on those attractions, sometimes, in the framework of a loving relationship with my partner [and I do not condemn those who act on their attractions in other, consensual ways - or who choose not to act on them, based on their values].
It's been interesting to read these letters and consider how personal relationships are impacted by political and religious perspectives and language. I doubt if it is easy for most of my relatives to grapple with values that may seem to be in conflict: a religious perspective that places sexuality itself in a suspect category of desires and bodily pleasure, and a religious perspective that values family and community [and its underlying diversity]. What is the breaking point where a person rejects another person from family and community for their difference? And what does that person choose to ignore or silence rather than reject? And what, among the great, glorious diversity of creation, does that person embrace?
