learning

Earlier this week, I said I decided I didn't want to be a chaplain. I think it's still true, but not in the same way. I realized that it actually has a lot to do with my learning.
Sometimes I get caught up in accomplishment. Especially now, after 18 years'-worth of classes, I want to feel like I've learned something. And this week, I felt like I had so much to learn--too much to learn. I had a spotlight on the things about chaplaincy I'm not very good at, and also saw some of the great strides some of my fellow residents have made in their learning. Yes, yes, I know that I shouldn't compare myself with others, but I do. And yes, I know that I've come a long way from where I've been.
It's just that this week I felt like a pouty teenager when I see others making progress while I feel like I'm still trying to get the basics down. Actually it's the same feeling as when I was in middle school and we were putting our new dog's name on his food dish and his cage using those little letter stickers. I got so mad that I cried because my sister put her letters on in a neat, straight, professional line, and mine were all crooked by comparison. My dad told me that when I was as old as my sister, I would be able to do it better. Sure, that's true, but that doesn't help when I want to do something correctly now.
So I take back about half of my not-wanting-to-be-a-chaplain, and I'm trying to remember that I life itself is a learning process, and my spirituality right now is about uncovering new truths and facets and depths of life.