out

A few patients have asked me if I'm married. It makes me wonder how to answer truthfully without refocusing the conversation on me. How do I be true to my relationship and my feelings about him without turning it into a conversation about homosexuality and religion? I don't think the patients ask because they want to know; they ask because they are making some point about marriage or family or relationships. Unless it's relevant, I don't need to talk about my personal life and experiences because the conversation is not about me. If the patient asked more probing questions about my marriage, I would redirect: what are you trying to say? what is the point you are making? If they want to know details about my life, I think this reveals something about their own motivations, struggles, and opinions. My partner pointed out that in saying "no" to that question, I am still giving information. Next time, I'll try something else, like "why do you ask?"
I had a conversation with one of my CPE peers about my transformation from having anti-gay opinions into being gay. This person used the words "and now choose this lifestyle." I noted this, but I didn't address it. I felt good about the way I demonstrated my understanding of scriptures, God, and sexuality. I am not interested in changing minds as much as I am in showing that there are other perspectives. My perspective comes from my experience. I cannot follow a God who condemns a relationship that promotes love and beauty and peace and justice in the world. I cannot follow a God who condemns a relationship that is so good in my and my partner's lives. And I feel no condemnation from God or the universe for my relationship.
At the same time, I have been impacted by social attitudes, and I am trying to figure out how my reactions to this question might hide pockets of shame or fear or belittling that are still within me. Sometimes I assume the person will be hostile, instead of expecting them to hear me and respect my experience. It's something I work on quite a bit.
I also think about the "lifestyle" terminology. I am adamant in claiming the "choice" language. While I don't choose my attractions and desire, I do choose to act on them--in the same way that everyone chooses to act on their desires. We constantly choose our sexuality, no matter what its orientation. We choose when and how and if we act on our sexual attractions and urges. Lifestyle, on the other hand, is about how I live my life--probably not that different from my peer who asked the question. I bike, I shop for groceries, I go to bed at a decent hour, I read books. I don't go out drinking or clubbing or live in a motor home or shop at designer stores or live off the grid.
I know I'm not a one-man Alliance Against Defamation. I can't address every slight, every discrimination, every moment of exclusion. I only hope to represent other viewpoints. And I hope to engage people (married, heterosexual people) to think about the choices we all make, in order to bring more mindfulness. I suspect most married heterosexual people don't hesitate in answering the question "are you married?" I wish I didn't have to.
Anyway, that's my point. Thanks to my partner for helping me talk through my questions and thoughts.